Hello, everyone. My name is Vanita Thomas. I am an adoptive mom and an adoption advocate. I am here to share a little bit about trauma care and adoption and particularly with parenting older children with trauma.

What do we mean by older children? Older children in the adoption arena or the foster-care arena, are considered children three years old and older because a lot of the basic development in children happens during the first two years of their lives. Trauma usually has a huge impact on a child’s development in the early years. I will be talking about the effect in five areas.

• The effects of trauma.
• Grief and loss
• The importance of attachment.
• Social and emotional impacts.
• Developmental delays in Children.

The effects of Trauma

How does trauma happen? You know, often it is because of traumatic events in the child’s life, such as abuse, neglect, unpredictable parents behavior, like because of addictions or mental illness, and then separation from loved ones. These and I am sure there are others too, can cause trauma in a child, especially a little child. Exposure to trauma can affect the child’s thinking, their feeling, their interactions with others, the health of the child, and their development. That is why it’s important to actually identify and treat trauma.

So what should we do? We need to treat trauma as early as possible, and then we need to identify trauma triggers. And what do I mean by that? I just recently heard from a friend who shared about a child who was a baby, who was screaming in the middle of the night. And then they found out later, when the child was taken to the counselor, that the child had been abandoned on a train around that time. And the family actually lived near a train station and the body had held in those trauma factors and was getting triggered every time when the train was going by in the middle of the night. Another one which is very common is birthday triggers. We have noticed it in our family. When we are coming towards birthday times the children were getting triggered, and their emotions and their reactions kind of go up several notches. So identify some of the trauma triggers, and be prepared for them.

Build trust by being available, consistent and predictable. The children had no consistency in their lives, and so they need that. They need you to be there for them. In my case, my son came at six years old. He had faced a lot of trauma as a child, including the loss of his mother. And so for him, no one was available. He had been moved around after that. So I had to give up my job as a business analyst and stay home suddenly as a stay-at-home mom to a broken, hurting six year old. And then soon after that we had another child whom we adopted at 10 months old. So that was not easy, but we needed to be available to them.

Help the child relax. Learning to relax is a hard thing because they have been on edge. You know, they have had to go through so much of suffering, so much unpredictability, so much of horror possibly in some of their lives. And so their adrenaline level is very high. And what happens when you’re in emergency situations? The body stiffens, and so the child needs to learn to relax, and that’s how it helps with reducing the trauma.

Encourage self-esteem. Children who have been through a trauma have no self esteem or worth. So encouraging and building that is important. And for parents, not to lose hope. Even if the child is not reacting to the care you are giving them, it is important for us not to lose hope and to continue working with them. But also watch it for secondary signs of trauma and in the parents or in other children as we care for this hurting child. So we do need to try and help them work through the trauma as early as possible.

Grief and Loss

Next, you know, many of our children come with severely painful situations. That could be from the death of a parent in a horrific way, all the way to separation from a parent. It could be, you know, medical reasons. Whatever it is, they’ve gone through some really difficult times. And so as an adoptive parent, yes, it’s really fun, and we’re excited when the child is coming home. You know, we’re so happy about it, but it’s important for us to know that we need to help our child cope with adoption-related grief and loss. Because behind every beautiful adoption there has been loss, and there has been something that has caused a separation for the child. And it’s wise to address this issue early.

Acknowledging the child’s feelings of grief and loss is important. And then resisting the urge to rush and cheer them up is also important. Because yes, we want to just, you know, hug them and kiss them. Just say it’s all could be better because we’re there. No, they are grieving death. They might be grieving separation. And they are grieving the loss of family members. Remember, by the time they were three years old, they have memories of their previous life. Memories that you may not even know about. We didn’t understand it fully. We thought “love and fresh air”, and everything’s going to be okay – and it’s not. Our child came with a lot of memories, painful memories. And now, after he was able to cope with it and he turned around, and also after hearing other adoptees or other children have been orphaned, especially when they faced the death of a parent – they say – the tape plays in their heads over and over and over again.

So there is a lot of great grief connected to that loss, and just making them smile is not going to take it away. So you grieve with them. And then help them express sadness in the manner that best fits his or her stage of emotional development. Maybe, for a young child it is holding the child and just letting them cry on your shoulder. For an older child, it may be allowing them to express their anger and frustration, even anger against God. That’s okay. Acknowledge it. It is pain. And then walk with them and hold them and help them. Maybe even writing a letter, and saying how much they have been hurt by this loss will be a good thing, and you know, allowing them to release that letter will help them cope with it. And then be prepared for grief disguised as anger. Children sometimes are so angry. You know even as adults sometimes we don’t know how to cope without emotions when we faced loss. How much more these little children! So don’t get angry and try to correct the symptoms of that anger. Instead hold them, connect with them. Because the anger might be coming out of the deep pain of loss.

We didn’t understand. Our journey started 22 years ago and at that time there was no help. And so we would always think we needed to correct the behaviors, and that was not a good thing. Today there are a lot more resources, and we know that we need to walk our children through the grief and anger and pain and the loss that they feel. And then when we communicate about adoption, we know that’s an important part of the adoption journey. Hiding it from a child is not a good thing, because basically we are allowing the child to believe a lie, and God does not want us to lie. Adoption is a beautiful thing. Communicate to that child that you love them. And yes, they have lost. But they are yours. And you are going to walk with them on this journey, loving and caring for them, even walking through the loss with them.

When you talk about your child’s adoption, choose your words carefully. Be careful about how it comes across. We are not doing a charity. We are doing this because we have been adopted into God’s family. It’s such a beautiful thing. And we do want to care for this child who needs a forever family. And so we are stepping into their lives broken as we are, choosing to walk with them and love them. Handle difficult information sensitively, especially about their past. Be careful how much you share with them. Do it age appropriately. And then honor your child’s past. Sometimes it’s hard. It is hard especially when parents have been neglectful. It is hard to say anything good. But it’s important not to say anything bad. And then gently address adoption-related fears and fantasies. You know, our daughter would say that she toggled between our family and her birth mother. And she would always imagine when things were hard here or when we were disciplining her, that it would be so much better, even if the reality is that it was not a better situation. In her mind that was her mother, and that might have been a better deal for her. So it is hard. Gently walk with them on it and help them deal with their fears and their fantasies. Don’t dismiss them.

The Importance of Attachment

We are now going into the importance of attachment, and this is going to be the bulk of my talk, because this is such a critical part of that child’s development. You know, in a normal situation, the attachment would be the essential emotional connection between an infant and a reliable primary caregiver, usually the mother because the mother carried them for nine months, and then she nurtures and she feeds the child, she cares with the child. It is also the father, but it is primarily the mother in most cases, unless the mother’s unable to do it.

Attachment is the basis of trust-building for the child. Healthy attachment occurs when a primary caregiver consistently provides two of the basic thing. One area is the emotional essentials, and the other side is the basic life necessities. Life necessities include safety, smiles, food, shelter, clothing – you know, just the basic essentials of life. Emotional essentials are warm touch you know, like a baby – you coo and you care for the baby. Movement with your child. Eye contact – the more eye contact the mother makes with her child, the more the child feels loved and the child responds. Soft voices – the cooing sounds of a mother and then the baby gurgles back. And then the mother’s relaxed body. How important is that for the child to feel loved and nurtured!

I have two pictures of the attachment cycle in the first year. The first one is a healthy attachment cycle. And as we can see, the infant has a need, infant communicates the need, and then the caregiver takes action to meet that need. The satisfaction in the infant, and the infant feels cared for, right? So the infant’s body is relaxed and then trust and confidence develops, because the child feels wanted and loved.

But what happens to most of the children who were abandoned, who had to be removed from their homes? Because of difficult situations. The infant has a need, infant communicates that need and often the communicates by crying or calling out or whatever they need to do to get the attention of the caregiver. But the caregiver fails to meet the need, and two things develop out of that. One could be fear. Fear that they’re not worth it, fear that no one’s going to take care of them, fear that they’re not safe. The other one is that they can develop apathy Apathy because they feel they’re not worth it. No one’s going to come anyway, and soon that child might stop crying, might stop getting the attention of an adult, and they might just lie there without their needs being met. And this causes anxiety and stress in the whole body, and the brain gets damaged as the child has to deal with this over time. The child starts distrusting adults. Rage happens. There’s no sense of predictability in the child. No, they don’t feel safe or valued. They don’t feel significant because you know what? No one loved them. No one thought they were worth caring for. And that’s extremely sad for a child.

When there is a secure parent child bond – and you can see in the picture – how sweet you know the baby is, and how happy the baby is. But what this does is so important because it helps the child better able to control their negative emotions in stressful situations. And this happens through life! We are putting the foundations when they are very young. They develop better social competence, so their relationships with other children. other adults, is easier. They learn to match their feelings with words in various situations. You know, you can often hear even little children saying, “I don’t like this”, “I don’t want this” or “I don’t like what you’re doing”. And they’re able to express themselves.

And the children who have good attachment or secure attachment are less liable to develop internalizing or externalizing behavior problems. Internalizing is where they just shut down. Externalizing is where they act out. And they are able to handle it both ways and to handle problems in a healthy way. Increased confidence in exploring the world around them – so important for a developing child, because that’s how their mind grows. The brain expands as they explore the world around them. They’re learning new things, and they’re gaining confidence. Of course all this with the watchful caring of the parent. They learn through their parents’ caring behaviors. They learn to have a sense of worth that they’re important. They learn to empathize with others. You know when they are hurt, when they need the parents love – the parent comes, holds them and soothes them. They are learning to empathize. When that doesn’t happen if the child is in a home or in an orphanage and no one cares, the child loses that ability to empathize, and they can become sociopaths. So it is so important. And then they learn to cooperate with others. Very important right through life.

What are the reasons for disrupted attachment? Often it is because the early years were spent on orphanages or large group homes where the caregiver-child ratio is very large, and the caregiver may not have the ability even if they have the heart, or may not have the heart – they might be doing it as a job, not because they do it as a ministry or a real desire to care for children. So children get neglected. There are stories coming out of Eastern Europe, where many of those children were just placed in. orphanages and they were just placed in huge numbers in cribs. Nobody cared for them when they cried. No one came to change their diaper or feed them. They were neglected in huge ways, and after a while you know, they just lost all emotion and feeling because there was no attachment built up. No one cared. They didn’t feel they were worth it. And then later, when they were adopted, the attachment of such a severe problem and the families who adopted them couldn’t handle them. And they ended up having to be sent off to group homes or ended up on the streets. Such a sad thing that this early attachment and care that should be given to a child is lost. So first they’ve lost it from their first families, and then they could lose it in the orphanages or group homes that they are in.

Another reason for disrupted attachment is when there are multiple moves from caregiver to caregiver. That can also happen in those orphanages or group homes. Those might be the best options under the circumstances, but still it is hard when they have to go from caregiver to caregiver, and they don’t have stability in their life. It also can happen when they have invasive or painful medical procedures, or even long term hospitalization, especially at critical development times. Both these can cause children to develop disrupted attachment. Also sudden or traumatic separation from their mothers. That could cause it. Neglect of course, abuse, prenatal alcohol or drug exposure, and then neurological problems in the parents can cause it or even in the child can cause it. And children who don’t develop a secure attachment base will not have healthy development. In fact very often, even after adoption, they might be very afraid to be separated from the parent, and they made also show severe developmental delays. So it’s good to look out for these things.

Reactive Associative Disorder (RAD)

More serious forms off attachments are called Reactive Associative Disorder, or RAD – a condition in which an infant or a young child does not form a secure, healthy emotional bond with his or her primary caregivers. It could happen because the child didn’t have that foundation, they may have been moved from caregiver to caregiver, or they didn’t know who to trust. And now they’ve come to the adopted parents home or the foster parents home, and they don’t know how to attach to an adult. In fact, I would say that these children are so afraid to attach because they are afraid to lose again. Lose their parent who they loved, or lose the caregiver not carrying back for them. And so they do everything to push the mother particularly away. It could be both parents, but particularly the mother, and that’s why they act up so much in the home. And others may not see this, but this happens very often within the family setting.

So Reactive Attachment Disorder is something that is serious. What are the symptoms? Many of the symptoms are failure to show expected emotions of conscience such as remorse, guilt or regret. They could do something really wrong, and when they’re confronted by the parent there will be no emotion, nothing, no response. They might just stare into space. And when asked to say sorry, you know, they may have no regrets about it. So it’s very, very hard to get an explanation of why they did something, or to get them to say sorry. And most likely, they’re going to do it again. Avoiding eye contact and physical touch. I remember with our son he had a high symptoms of RAD, and though he was never formally diagnosed because in those days we didn’t have counselors who could really diagnose this. But he would show many of these behaviors and really, we almost thought we were going mad, because of the outside it was a different story. And so he would not look us in the eye and, you know, physical touch – he would not allow us to give him hugs – he would push us away. and he would stiffen when we went to give him a hug. And then expressing anger. You know, there would be a lot of anger, tantrums. When I say these symptoms, it doesn’t mean every child has all these symptoms. But if you see several of these symptoms, you could assume that a child is headed in this direction. They might be irritable, unhappy or sad, they may be disobedient and arguing – all this beyond the norm. They may be displaying inappropriate affection towards strangers. You know, that’s a hard one. At the same time, they may show lack of infection and even fear of the primary caregiver, who is either the mother or both parents. And that’s so hard to take, because the other one caring for them, loving them, being with them, handling them in all situations, and yet they go out there and they will show so much of love and affection for strangers. But you know why? That’s because they don’t have any investment in that stranger. They can show love. What that shows is they have that love in their hearts. But they do know that with the primary caregiver or the parents who have taken them in, if they love too much and they lost, the pain would be unbearable for them. And so they push and they push and they push away.  Excessive lying. Lying over stupid things! I remember, you know, our son taking oranges. We had lots of oranges and he was hiding them in his bed and we asked him – and he said “No, I didn’t take it”. It doesn’t make sense, but that was part of their survival before And so they continue with that in bigger ways. Triangulation of parents. Often they would play the parents against each other. Mom is at home with the child, and so they would, you know, when the dad comes home – Mom is so frustrated she would have been affected by the child through the day. And then the child shows a lot of affection to the dad, and the dad thinks, “What a sweet, sweet child!”. but really – mom is there complaining about the child. And there is triangulation, so that can be a huge problem. Manipulated behaviors like acting angelic with strangers while showing hardness towards adoptive parents, especially towards the mother. And then raging can happen sometimes even for hours.

There are treatments available. Psychotherapy and counseling is possible, family therapy. And then there might be social skills intervention, special education and parenting skills classes, to help parents cope. I want to encourage you parents, seek out help. But our ultimate help is the Lord, and he is the one who gives us the wisdom and even directs us to the right therapy or the right help.

Word of caution in this. As you go seeking counseling and therapy, going to counselors or therapists or even your school staff – they need to be aware of a Reactive Associate Disorder as well as attachment problems, even in smaller ways. Because if not, they could do more damage to your child because your child is very good at creating a narrative, making themselves out to be the victim, and making the parent out to be the bad guy. And a person who is trained in this will be able to see behind it, and will really be able to go to the heart of issue and help the child. But others will believe the child will actually cause greater disruption in the attachment. So it’s very important.

What are we treating here? We are treating delays and developmental milestones, delays and physical growth which can be linked to eating difficulties. You know, our son would never eat. Actually, even our daughter didn’t when she first came. It was so hard to coax them to eat. And we found out after years and years and years, almost 11 years, our son would take food and go hide it in school, he would go and throw it into the trash. So eating difficulties is a huge problem. There are emotional problems such as depression, anxiety, and anger management issues. As they get older, it could be eating disorders such as starving themselves or eating too much. Both have happened in many of the children with this problem. Drug and alcohol abuse and dependency as they get older, trouble in school, learning and behavioral problems can happen a lot, especially in the school environment. And learning difficulties can happen you know, because they say with every disruption, the child goes back about 6 to 7 years. And then problem in relationships. It could be with their peers in school, and and you know, as they are getting it is with other adults, in workplaces, and potentially later even with life partners. Physical, emotional, and social neglect and abuse put children with RAD at higher risk for complications in life. And that’s why it’s important for us to identify it, and for them to get it treated.

And for those of us who couldn’t do it when they were younger, you know, let’s not despair. God is still on His throne and he can help our children, even as adults, get the help themselves and to get hope and healing. And He walks with them through it all.

How can we provide this? You know, if you look at this, picture it, it’s kind of strange – the boy is pretty big. But, you know, look at the way they have cocooned. Our children who have come to us at older ages, may not have got that cocooning and love as babies or as young children. So it might even be important for mother and child, to cocoon, – even father and child, you know – just like they would a baby.

And it is also important that when the child first comes home, not to expose them to too many people. You know, we didn’t even realize this, and we dedicated our children within a short time after they came home, and exposed them to a lot of people. We were doing it with the best of interests. And yet now we know research is showing that it’s good for just the parents to be with the child for a period of time, maybe sometimes even for the first few months, and then to slowly start exposing them and to expand their circles little by little. Yes, it is a costly journey for the parents. Yes, we do have to cut out a lot of our social life in order to keep our children safe, but it’s worth it.

Create predictable routines and schedules with the child, you know, again in this yes, it’s important to have that, but at the same time, don’t beat yourself up, especially if your child is raging, or there are other issues you need to deal with with your children, and it may not be possible to be that predictable, but do the best you can. And when you cannot do it one day, tomorrow’s a new day. God gives new grace, so don’t beat yourself up about it.

Commit to daily one-on-one parent-time with the child. Very important. Look them in the eyes, smile at them, spend the time with them, do fun things with them. Find creative ways to play. Remember, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. So find creative ways, you know, to play with them and offer a lot of encouragement and praise as you spend time with them. And then we can also find developmentally appropriate ways for physical contact as they grow. Continue giving them hugs, and just, you know, even just giving them a shoulder rub  or just you know, holding their hand as they’re doing things. Sit beside them as they are studying. A lot of these things make a difference and that’s why I encourage, especially the mothers. If there is any way that you can give up your job and stay home with your child, it is worth it. Your career can come later in life, or God might have a different plan for you. But being with your child who has already lost so much is so worth it because you’re building attachment and care.

Engage your child in planning future events to create security. Have them involved if you’re planning a vacation, Ask them for their opinion. Tell them about it from the beginning, as you are planning. That helps them see that they are going to be there long term. Otherwise once again in their minds, it might be that they are here for a while and then they are going to be sent away. So engage them.

Speak positively about your child’s past. It is hard. We see them engaging in behaviors that are not okay. It’s easy to blame their caste and the parents. Or just to assume that because of what where they’ve come from, that they’re doing this and be angry about that, or even tell them you know, not to do these things because they would be, er, imitating, and they’ll end up in the same situation. Instead, let’s speak positively and give them encouragement, because the more we talk about the good in the past, the more we can help them build and grow and develop in this life with us.

Make your child feel valued at every opportunity. Help them feel like they’re worth caring for. And I’m telling you, this is a hard thing. Doing it with any child is hard because it is such a commitment for life. And there are times, especially as they get into, the preteen and teen years where you may feel, “Oh, is it even worth it”? How much harder is it with adopted children, especially those adopted it older years with trauma! It is way harder. But ask God for help. He values us however we are. We can ask Him to help us do the same for our children. And as we said, be playful and laugh together a lot. Find funny cartoons and things to just laugh with them. Kids are very good to bring memes and little videos – a TIck-Tock video – and stuff that they can keep you laughing. Laugh with them. Don’t get so bogged down by the burdens of life that you cannot laugh. And then nurture, nurture, nurture. Nurture them as much as possible. Spoiling them is a good thing, and giving them affection and care can do wonders for a child and build attachment.

We move on to the question: How do we then interact with them based on their needs? Do we go based on the chronological age, or do we look at the development age? And as I said, you know, even separation and a move from one place can actually even set them back by about 6 to 7 years. So your child may come with deficits, especially if they’ve come from an institution, or an abusive or neglectful family situation. It’s hard. It’s really hard for these children, and they may struggle to communicate or express their feelings when they come to you. They may be developmentally behind. They may not be able to do things at that age, especially if you already have older kids, bio kids, who have hit their developmental milestones – you know the tendency is to compare. Or if you’re looking at friends, who have kids around that age and you see your child developmentally behind. It’s hard for a parent to take. But that might be the reality your child might be language challenged, and the child may only be able to socialize with children younger, not even children who are their peers, because children can be cruel – especially if they are older children. It might be hard for them to socialize and get beaten up with words or actions by other children. So how can we handle this first thing we have been told over and over again, and I would like to reiterate it – is for us as parents to throw out all expectations. Throw them out of the window. Be guided by the child’s level rather than by social pressure. And what I mean by that is, you know, we may have our own expectations based on what society has expects of our children, our teachers expect, our own family members or parents might expect of their grandchildren, because other grandchildren might have reached certain milestones and things, and they might be looking down on our child. Or other kids are doing so well – our peers, our friends’ children, might be doing so well, and we just feel like we are such failures with our children. No! Throw those expectations out, and instead be guided by the abilities that your child has. They have lost so much. Know that, and then work with them on that. So whatever the task is – and that could be a task as simple as you know, tying the child’s shoelace, dressing themselves up, or eating, to school work. Teach them at their pace. It might take a lot longer for your adopted child, especially your older adopted child to understand. What your biological child might be able to do easily, you’re the adopted child may not be able to do. Go slow, start at a lower level, work your way up. The task might look childish, but it will help fill development gaps in a big way if you’re feeling those holes now. The child may need to be taught like a younger child, so don’t worry about it. It’s not a bad thing, considering what the child has overcome and that they are in your home. Create smaller, more manageable tasks to provide a sense of accomplishment for the child, and give them the praise when they accomplish that. That gives them confidence that they can do smaller things. When they have to do harder things it only deflates them and lowers their self confidence. And so giving them smaller tasks might be a good thing to help them build that confidence.

Social and Emotional Impacts

Moving on, we look at the social and emotional impacts. We know that for elementary school children, they form a very strong sense of identity, and most of that comes from their peer relationships and from relationships with their parents and caregivers. For adopted children, imagine developing an identity is so complicated. You know, they have to merge two separate families and histories – memories and things that they’ve done. And they have to decide how they fit in and then often the are in a new school system, new place, new people that they interact with, new church. Everything is so difficult for them. So they are kind of lost in their identity. And then children were broken pasts may have difficulty understanding, controlling themselves, and expressing their emotions. So it makes that identity factor even harder.

You know, the middle childhood years – the preteen and teen years are very hard because their hormones are raging and they’re trying to figure life out. Many have issues of self-worth and self-esteem, and even feeling different. How much more for our children, who had trauma and who were adopted at older ages? So these children who have gone through this may have difficulty with social relationships outside of the family. These struggles can interfere with their concentration, and can distract children from their school world, and they may appear to be a lot less capable that they truly are. I know we thought that of our kids, especially for our son who came – he was our first child. He was not able to do very basic tasks. I remember even a school teacher at third grade level telling him, “Your sister who is six years younger, will soon overtake you because you can’t even do the basic things”. And that’s sad because a lot of this comes because of their trauma. And so he looked a lot less capable. And yet today at 28, I’ll tell you, if you talk to him and you see what he’s accomplished – same with our daughter. You know some of the things she’s accomplished. I’m in awe, because our children are such amazing overcomers. and I look at both Sandeep and Sneha and what they have had to overcome, and what they’ve accomplished today is amazing. And yet we struggled so much in that time because, we didn’t see them accomplishing at their level.

What can we do to help them? Teach them to express and handle their feelings in a healthy way. They can’t just socially be inappropriate. They can’t just say things, do things, misbehave, you know, connect with people the wrong way. It’s going to only hurt them. It’s very important for them to be able to learn to express and handle their feelings in healthy ways. And if counseling is needed for that, get that or have them as they get older, get counseling themselves. Be a positive example to them. You know, we as parents ourselves are not good. Sometimes we’re so stressed that we react. We get angry at our spouses, we get angry at our children. Instead it will be good for us to remember that we are role models to them, and actually we’re really helping them overcome their trauma as we are calm in our reactions. So maybe even saying the words, “I feel so angry right now. I think I’ll take a walk to cool down”.Or, “I need to take some deep breaths and I need to pray and ask God to help”. Help them understand that you also have those feelings, but you are dealing with them the right way. Then teach them to interact with others – with other kids, with other adults. We can role-play with them. Teach them how to deal with different situations. Coach them to develop empathy. Empathy is a very important thing. Because they were not given empathy, they may not be able to give it. Or, a lot of their trauma and pain might be affecting them so badly that they just may not be able to empathize with others. And so if we don’t deal with this, you know, in extreme cases they could become sociopaths and narcissists. Narcissists have no empathy, and that’s an important part – they only think of themselves, and they don’t care for the needs of those around them, and everything becomes about them. So it’s important to help them develop empathy from that young age, and part of it is having conversations like, “I wonder how Sammy felt when no one chose him for the team”. Help them see that other kids are also struggling, and that will help them not feel so different and help them feel one with the other children or other adults. You know, if someone has died in the family, help them see maybe other family members and say, “You know, I wonder how they’re feeling” or, “It is so sad that that person has lost his loved one”, and that will help your child identify and relate. So these might help them in social situations as they go out into.

Developmental Delays in Children

Then we move into developmental delays. A significant persistent lag in one or more skill-areas is a developmental delay. These delays can be due to genetic factors such as Downs Syndrome, could be due to environmental factors such as exposure to alcohol or drugs during pregnancy, it could be with trauma, neglect, and then insecure attachment. It can also be due to neurological factors like Autism, and we know when we see autism it is a spectrum. And there are kids who can handle everything, and then there are kids who cannot handle anything. These factors can definitely play into developmental delays. And there could be many more, I am just naming a few.

So what do we do when we see that? We need a professional assessment for our child. So we need to go to our doctors. A pediatrician should be able to help, and if we need to go to other specialists they should be able to direct us. Search and find good pediatricians in your area who can help you and help assess your child. Talk to your school, your principal, your teachers – there should be a school counselor. They should be able to help, and schools often do some kind of testing to see where the child should be placed, or what kind of extra help they may need. Significant lags in many developmental areas are possible. There could be learning difficulties, loss of previous skills – they might have learned something and then they might lose it, so that might be a factor. And then extreme behavior signs of sensory difficulties. Sometimes bright lights and your child might just take of , or sounds – and you might hear them saying, “No, I can’t handle it”. And they might act up because of that.

So touch, motion, a lot of these things are sensory difficulties, which can be dealt with, there are therapies for it. And the need for constant stimulation or touch is also part of it. And then assessments reveal development delays. What can we do? Yes, we need to get the help, but most critically, we need to continue building that strong foundation of attachment with the child. Don’t focus on those delays. Don’t focus on behaviors. Focus on attachment because we can lose the child if we don’t attach. And then join a support group for your child’s specific disability. That might help you and give you not only the encouragement and support, but also it may give you ideas on what to do with your child.

Secondary Trauma

I’ve touched on all the areas for the child. But now I want to come to the parents and to the other family members. One of the areas that I got hit in. And I was later on looking and searching and finding is secondary trauma. And that often happens to caregivers, not just with adopted kids, but even those who have to care-give anyone for a longer time. So secondary trauma in parents and caregivers is quite important to look into. It can also be a secondary trauma for other children in the family. You may have other bio children or even other adopted children who get affected by the child who has come with severe trauma that can manifest itself.

Most likely is the emotional side where you have anxiety. You end up depressed, lonely. This journey is lonely. Often you have to stay away. You have to take care of a child. You put those protective barriers around your child or you don’t want people criticizing and condemning your child and so you separate. And it’s a lonely journey, and so that can cause you to have emotional problems. Physically it can manifest itself in headaches, stomach aches, lack of energy. You know, you might feel so tired that you just want to rest all the time because you often don’t want to deal with these things. You don’t feel like you want to get up another day and go through this again. And then mentally, you’re not able to concentrate. Even inability to make decisions and, you know, you might just find it hard to learn new things. You might just want to shut down. Then behaviorally you could end up with increased drinking and smoking. You may even look towards things like painkillers, you might avoid others. You know what? This is where Satan can really come in and be destructive. Remember, Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy. But Jesus said “I come to give life and to give it abundantly”. So it’s not that we are without hope. If you’re there I understand, and I want you to know God sees you, He loves you, and there is hope. And I would encourage you to talk to your spouse, talk to the pastor of your church, talk to a counselor, and find support groups which can help you. Many adoptive parents go through this, especially those of older kids. So do talk, and there is hope, there is help.

Take Good Care Of Yourself

So take good care of yourself. We hear the term self-care. I didn’t want to put it here because it’s so misused in the world. It’s a word that is used for selfishness, often. You know, “I need to self-care”. And adoption is sacrifice. It is giving up of yourself. It is stepping into the life of a child in need, and so sacrifices important. But along with that goes self-care, we are the temple of the living God, so we do need to take care.

And I know in myself I did not, especially being an Indian mom, I just thought, “Okay, sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice”. Your children come first, then your husband comes next, and only then you. But no! The order is completely wrong. God comes first, then your spouse, then your children. And even among your children it’s not just the one in need. All the children should be given equal time. And often it’s the one with the greatest need who eats up our time and eats up the time from everything else. So it is important to prioritize, to be accountable to people, so that you can walk this journey in a good manner, which is beneficial to you and to your children,because of when we break down. We’re of no use to our children. And that did happen to me. And actually in this 22 year journey, it’s only this past year. Honestly, COVID-19 is being in a huge blessing to me, and God has really helped care for me through this time, and I’ve been able to overcome secondary trauma.

Spend Time With The Lord

The biggest takeaways from me and this is: spend time daily with a Lord. It is your lifeline. The harder the journey, the more the time you need to spend with the Lord. Prioritize and do that. Get up earlier. Do what you need to do. Find those moments in-between when your child is sleeping or, you know, when someone else could take care of the child, to spend time with the Lord. Think of Jesus. He came with such a big task. He was God in the flesh, and yet he always took time to spend time with the Father. Alone-time with Him, and that is important. And when you find yourself falling away or you are breaking down, you know you need more time with the Lord.

Look at Scripture not to see Scripture affirming you, but rather to give you a bigger picture of who God is. Because when you have that bigger picture, you know you can trust your God who carries you through this journey. If you’re married, commit to rest full time with your spouse. Make that time. If someone else can take care of your children for a period of time, take vacations or at least take an evening off and go on a date. Just spend time with each other. It is important and that is an area we neglect a lot because the needs are so huge and we feel we cannot. But it is important at times. And important also to pray with each other as spouses. And sometimes just that prayer, the husband particularly caring for the wife, can make a huge difference. Because when the wife is felt cared for, she is able to pour out more on the children, especially the children who are hurting and who need more care.

Commit to seeing and hearing your other children who may need less attention. In our case our youngest is our bio child and because she didn’t have any of the trauma and separation and attachment problems, we just thought, “Oh you know, she’s there, she is going to be loved, she doesn’t need that much care”. The other two did need a lot of care. And so she would often say that she had to shout louder and louder to even get our attention because we were so focused on the other two and she felt invisible. And that has affected her, and we are really sad about that. And I’m sure the same way it affected Sneha when we get so much for Sandeep. So each of the children need us to see them, they need us to hear them, and they need us to give them that one-on-one attention. So commit to that. See all the takes deliberate commitment. It is not going to come naturally. So take it. Take time to keep up with hobbies, go to see a friend. All this helps you relax and help you feel more normal.

And then, if you cannot handle your child’s trauma, seek professional help. And if that help means counseling, then do it. If it means accountability with an accountability partner or someone in your church, you can mentor you, have that happen. Be honest and share your struggles and get the help that you need. Sometimes that might also mean medication, and that’s okay. Under the care of a doctor, take medication for your anxiety and depression, and it might help lighten the mood and help you deal with life. So that could be helpful  because parenting a traumatized child can truly be difficult, and it can affect all your other relationships. And people might look at you as this awful person or so angry all the time, who is so depressed, and they might think, “Okay, I don’t want to be near that person”. That is sad because, yes, you are carrying a really heavy load. But you know, other people and how they treat you – that is up to them. They need to deal with God. You are doing God’s business. That is between them and God. He will deal with them if they don’t show kindness and compassion towards you. But what can you do to help yourself and take some of these steps to really help yourself and be, you know, sure, that in Christ there is abundance of life, and that there can be joy because, Jesus does say we can find joy in all circumstances. And we can trust him with our problems.

My Family

This is my family. Sandeep is our oldest, and he came to us when he was six years old. He had dealt with a lot of trauma. His birth mother took her life in front of him by setting herself on fire, and he witnessed that. He had to go with his father to the hospital carrying her body – she was still alive at that time, but in so much agony and pain, of course. And then, you know, left her in the hospital and then without any further ado, the next day he knew she was gone, and he and his two siblings will left.  And they were roaming the streets without any care, because their father was a severe alcoholic. And he was moved around, and so faced a lot of pain and trauma. Sneha was given up is a baby to an orphanage, and God brought her to our family when she was 10 months old. And yes, we thought “love and fresh air and it’ll all be okay and she’s a baby. It’s okay”. But not only did she come with her own trauma of that separation as a child, but here she was under Sandeep’s severe trauma. We had to deal with him a lot, and she was exposed to that constantly. Additionally, he knew his family she did not. Hers was a closed adoption. So that was another part of the trauma and it was hard. And then Rachna was born six years later, and she struggled in a big way because she, from the time off her birth, she was under her two siblings’ trauma, which was pretty severe. In the middle of that. We also had my grandmother who loved these three children, and they loved her. And then when she passed away, because off cancer, it was very, very painful for them. She was 92 but they absolutely loved her. They learned to empathize, they learned to care. And especially Sneha really took care of her even as a 12-13 year old. And when she died, it devastated her. We did not know that the death of a loved one is so devastating. The older couple on the side are my parents, and they were very gracious. They knew how severe the trauma was, how difficult the pain was, and they graciously came to help us. And we are very grateful to the Lord for their love and care, and for their support over the years. Sandeep is standing next to his wife, Shirley, and she is an amazing young woman. Who, has come in with her own form of trauma because her father had a stroke in a very young age. And yet, you know, God has been the mainstay over here, and God helped Sandeep and Shirley understand each other, because both of them had faced trauma. And yet God brought such healing to Sandeep over the years, and we are still praying for God to bring healing to both our daughters. In May 2002, just four years after we adopted them, and I was just broken, not able to take another breath, I was crying out to the Lord. I was angry. My husband Peter and I were doing this work, and you see Peter behind there, patient, loving and caring for us. And he, he himself had had – we didn’t realize it at that time – but there had been a lot of spiritual abuse and his family. So we’ve all faced a lot of things. And there was a lot that we’re trying to put together, a lot trying to understand. And yet, you know, are the only thing I can tell you today is that God has been our only hope.

God’s Promise To Me

And the promise he gave me was from Isaiah 54. And that’s the confidence with which I stand before you today. Not that our lives are okay, not that things have turned out great, but it’s because I have a God who is so great. And it is his promise that I hold on to. “Oh, afflicted one, storm-tossed and not comforted … All your children shall be taught by the Lord and great shall be the peace of your children. In righteousness you shall be established. No weapon that is fashioned against you shall succeed, and you shall refute every tongue that rises against you in judgment. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord. And their vindication from me, declares the Lord” (Isa 54:11, Isa 54:13, Isa 54:17). And this is what God declared over us because we belong to him and I have clung to this promise. Are we seeing it all? No. But we know that we have a God who is a promise keeper. And one day we will see – and that one day might be in eternity – that His plan was perfect.

Why Should I Adopt an Older Child?

So listening to all this, you are probably asking yourself, “Should I even adopt an older child? Why in the world would I do that”? in India it is a very sad thing that less than 2% of families will look at the “Immediate Placement” category on Kara, which is the category for children who are older, three and up, or who have special needs. Everyone wants the little baby, assuming that a baby is going to be the perfect child for them, and that they are going to live happily ever after, and everything is going to be okay. But who are we trusting? Isn’t that child worth it? Isn’t that child as valuable as you and me, and if we were given that safety and security, shouldn’t we consider that for a child who may not get that opportunity?

God Adopted Us Into His Family

If we feel Look at it. God adopts us into his divine family without a thought for our background. “While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us” (Rom 5:8), and he chose adoption even before the foundation of the world to adopt us into his family (Eph 1:5). And if we are his adopted children messed up and sinful compared to His perfect son, Jesus, What are we complaining about? Why are we looking for perfection when we are not in perfect ourselves? So should we not follow in His footsteps? Has He not called us to take up our cross and follow Him (Luke 9:23)? Did he say Take up your comfort, your bed of roses, and follow Him? No! He says. Go, go to the brokenhearted. Go to those who are in need. Go to the prisons, go to the streets. That is what He came for. That is what the Gospel is for.

How do we know who the child should be? Spending time, abiding in the Lord through studying His word and in prayer is so important. This is not charity. This is not us being saviors. It’s not. We are just partnering with the Lord in the work that He is doing these children. He is giving us the privilege of caring for them. We step into the trenches with them. We walk with them in humility, in love, in care, just the way Jesus did for us. He stepped down from heaven to Earth. He came down to our trenches. He walked in humility, in love, and cared for us. And we’re just doing the same thing. So the best way to do that is for Him to show us how , So the more we spend time with him, the more He will reveal it to us. Ask Him to lead you to the child who will bring you closest to Jesus. Isn’t that ultimate goal as Christians? To become more like Jesus?

Step Out Of Your Boat

And I think parents, when we step into the trenches when we step out of the boat like Peter did, we get to see a glimpse off our God in greater beauty in greater confidence. We are gonna be amazed that this God who controls the wind and the water is there with us, and we get to see him face to face. You know, Peter was the only one who stepped off the boat. The other disciples sat and then they did not get to see and experience Jesus that way. And the people on the shore definitely did not. They were not even in the boat with them. Peter stepped out. Yeah, he might have looked like an impulsive failure. And I’m sure many of you might feel that way at times. But you know, he got to see his savior and he got to hold His hand and be held by Him. And that’s okay. God used all these experiences to build Peter’s faith. Peter became the pillar off the New Testament church. So becoming like Jesus, getting close to Him is our biggest goal. So don’t ask God to bring you a child who will give you the greatest happiness, or give you the greatest comfort and ease in life. Instead – and it is not just in this but in everything – ask him to take you into situations, bring a child into your life, who will draw you and bring you closest to Jesus. Get the advice of trusted believers who are rooted in the truths of Scripture. Don’t go to nay-sayers who are not rooted in Scripture. If people give you advice, let them back it up with Scripture. Let them be godly men and women who trust the Lord. Those who have reasons and who care for your well-being. Don’t go to “prophets” because that is not from the Lord. Don’t just go to get a prediction for your future. That’s not from the Lord. God will give strength for you to do what you have to do, and he will give you the grace if you choose to step out of the boat. And if you choose to adopt, so trust him.

Jesus Is Our Only Hope In Life and In Death

Adopted parents, Jesus is our only hope in life and in death. So keep your chin up. You can do this. And there are some things that we can do, which are far more important than all the other therapies, and all the other help,and teaching and training that we can give our children. And the reason I say that He is our only hope is because on the cross 2000 years ago, He paid the ultimate price to save us, to love us, to give us worth, to care for us, and to adopt us into his family. And when He died that day, He said “It is finished” (John 19:30). All the pain and suffering that we go through – It was finished. He took it on Himself. People who have hurt us, He took that on himself. He took the pain of our  children. Victory was won that day on that cross. We get to enjoy that victory. We get to rest in Him knowing that He loves us and He cares for us. And He will do anything if He was willing to give up his own Son for us (Rom 8:32). And so we get to trust this God and we get to learn about this God on this journey. And even more exciting, our children get to learn about Him and to walk with Him.

So What Should We Do?

We immerse our child in the Word of God so important because the Word of God never comes back void (isa 55:11). We pray for them continually. We do family devotions with them every day don’t neglect that. I know busy-ness takes over, work, takes over. But try at least to kneel down and pray with them. Take them to church and Sunday school regularly. Let them develop that habit from a young age. Take them to Bible studies like BSF. BSF started from the time they’re infants and definitely my two girls got to go from the age of two. Play Christian songs for them throughout the day. You know, often that calms them down, and it gives them a feeling of relaxation and trust. Again, Christian songs with the Word of God is, especially with Scripture, is very powerful. We know that music is powerful. David played the harp for Saul when he was troubled in heart and mind. So play songs for them, sing to them. Play good Bible based movies for them to watch. You know there is so much of garbage entertainment. Let them watch good Christian movies, especially the ones that are based on the Word of God. I remember youngest daughter, even memorizing the whole of John’s gospel as she watched it. She would watch it pretty much every day, and that’s not even an animated movie, it is just people acting it out. And you know, the Story of Jesus for Children that is so powerful. These are good movies, and there are a lot of others. There’s some animated ones, too, but let them watch. Good Bible based movies, good. Movies, which will give them will build them up rather than tear them down. And the world is full of entertainment, which is going to be destructive in the name of entertainment. You know, we are causing them to be mindless so do as much as you can. I’m not saying you can do it perfectly. As much as you can, help them to be rooted this way. Play the audio bible for them as they fall asleep. There are many online, and even the Children’s Bible, you can play for them. Read missionary stories to them. You know, our children are heroes in a different way, and those who go and serve – and when I say missionaries, I’m not thing just also go and just are out there, you know, preaching the gospel – it is those who are sacrificing their lives. I think a lot of adoptive parents, our sacrificially serving and caring. A lot of people in different areas, even in workplaces, are sacrificial living and giving. Help them to see these stories. We have a lot of them on YouTube. And so, when I say missionaries, I am talking of those who are living out the gospel in their lives. Surround your children with godly role models. People who who you trust, who trust you, and who could direct your child in the right way, along with you, partner with you in that, Have a trusted prayer team around your child and update them often. I cannot tell you the importance of this. Having prayer warriors will faithfully pray, especially older people are so sweet and so loving and they have the time and they have the heart to pray. Ask them. Get them to pray around you, and update them often and so that they can play meaningfully. The next one is such an important point and something we failed in so much.

Protect your child from judgmental people. These children have had their attachment broken and they cannot trust adults. So when people around you judge you, maybe they don’t find your parenting style acceptable and they criticize you, what are they really doing? Their acting on behalf of Satan. Because this child who has been pulled from the dredges of hurt and pain and suffering has been brought into your family, and they need to trust you for them to be well and whole. The people who criticize and condemn you as a parent, are actually hurting that child because they’re telling their child, “See, your mother, your father, are not trustworthy. Don’t trust them”. Satan can use these people to destroy a child because if that child does not develop attachment, it is going to destroy the rest of their life. So it is important. And that’s not talked about often, but especially in line of attachment. It is important. And then I say, Love your child with a love of Jesus. And doing all these things is loving them with the love of Jesus. You are called to take them to teach them to train them. Morning, afternoon night, you are called to do that. To write God’s laws on their hearts and to constantly coach them in His ways. Lead them by example, protect them spiritually, protect them from those who can hurt them. This is loving them with the love of Jesus.

and be more concerned about their love for Jesus than for any other accomplishment. It is okay if they feel in so many other ways in this world. Maybe they’ve never reached the mark. That’s okay. Let them love Jesus with all their heart, mind, soul and strength. Because there is an eternity that is coming. And that’s worth far more then what they accomplished in this world.

Don’t Get Discouraged, The Lord is With You

And finally, for those who are in the trenches, don’t get discouraged. The journey is hard. Parents, truly the journeys hard. You did step out into the water, and the water seems to be pulling you down, and you feel like you are drowning, and there’s no help. But God is with you. This battle belongs to Him, so rest in Him. The best advice I was given this year was be still and know that he is God (Isa 46:10). Know that your adoption reflects the gospel. So of course Satan is going to attack. He hates it. This is spiritual warfare. You are fighting for the life of this child? It’s spiritual warfare.

Remember, God looks for faithfulness and obedience. He’s not asking for results. So how your child turns out is not your problem, that’s God’s problem. And if anyone criticizes you for that, tell them to go talk to God. God has given you this mission. He is looking for faithfulness. He looks for obedience. Looked at Hebrews. 11. God wants faithfulness. He puts people in the Hall of faith in Hebrews 11. Not because they were perfect, not because they did everything good, but because He is faithful and He carries him through. So trust Him. It is a huge privilege to partner with him in caring for your child. Trust him through it.

Don’t compare a child with others. Each child is so uniquely created He gives them for the purposes He has for their life. You know, our daughter is nothing like us. We are both in the scientific field. We’re not very creative. She just has such creativity in her. She’s a beautiful singer. She does this beautiful photography on art, and she is just creative all around. You know, even our website when we did it. I could give the basic outline. My husband did all the hard work of programming Sandeep was helping him in putting it together. And even Rachna has more of a bent of mind where she was able to do the work, And Shirley was helping with that, and Sneha just came in and said, You know, it has to have the right look. And she started giving us ideas. She so quickly create a logo for us. So she’s creative. Sandeep on the other hand, he couldn’t even open his mouth and talk, talk to even a person one-on-one, leave alone could answer in school. And yet today, God has given them the ability to stand up between thousands of people to share story, to speak out. He’s gone all the way to the U. S Senate and has testified over there. He stood on the platform with some of our national leaders of the U. S. And talked about virtual education, things that we couldn’t have imagined. You know, God gifted him with unique abilities. I cannot do that. My husband cannot do that, but God gave him those abilities. Rachna is uniquely gifted in her ability to study and to do Math and Science, and we’re watching and seeing what God wants her to do in her life. So don’t despair There are so many different forms of gifting, so many different ways God uses people, and it doesn’t matter what level we are. He says. We are “the Body of Christ” (1 Cor 12:27). Just like the body has different parts, so too with our children He will have a unique calling their life and everybody is equally worth it. Why are we worth it? Because one, we were created by the Lord, and two because God has redeemed us for his purposes. He redeemed us with his blood (Eph 1:7), and so it is worth it.

And then when we are feeling down, we’re so burdened, when we’re so isolated, we’ve got secondly trauma, we lose our significance because in this world we feel we lost out. I was an engineer. I have two Master’s, in Engineering and Management. And then I was the Senior Business Analyst at Merck. And yet when I adopted my son particularly, and then my daughter came in within six months, I gave up my job and I stayed home. And for the next 11 years it was hearing from my kids, “You are not my mother”, “I don’t love you”, “I hate you”, “I hate your God”, “I don’t want this”. We have isolated because we couldn’t take him out into the public very often. Most of things we couldn’t do. We got a lot of criticism from people and judgment from others who didn’t understand our journey. And we were feeling so down, I had lost my significance. And yet you know what God told me, you could be uninvited by the world, but your significance and value comes from Me. He formed us. He created, He called us by name, He died for us. And He has given us the value of the Himalayas. And you know what? All the people around us, even our children, our spouses, our family members, our friends, our society – they give you a little rocks off value. Think of it. Think of the magnitude of the value he gives you on the magnitude of those rocks. Those an insignificant in comparison. Focus on the value God has given you, even when the storm of adoption rages around you. It’s okay because you are still loved by the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. And remember, you answer to the Lord alone. You are his child. He has given you this task. And He is your heavenly father, He is your master, He is your lord. You will answer to Him alone.

Look Forward to Your Reward

So look forward. As long as you are faithful do the best you can. And where you fail, ask for forgiveness. Repent. He covers you. That’s what He died for. And pick yourself up and go again. There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus (Rom 8:1). So we move forward with knowing we’re going to get a “Well done, good and faithful servant” (Matt 25:23) because we’re covered by Christ’s righteousness (2 Cor 5:21). Live with anticipation, because the victory was won the cross. Trust Him. The Bible is full of promises. Ask Him to give you a bigger picture of Himself. Not even a bigger picture of who you are, or not to fix your child, but to give you a bigger picture of Himself. The bigger He gets, the smaller your problems become, the smaller you and your child become. And you know what? He carries you through. You can trust him. He is a good God, He is a loving father, and He has a good and perfect plan. for you, a, perfect plan for your life, your child, and a plan for your family. Trust Him with that plan. He will carry you through.

And remember, life on earth is like four seconds compared to an eternity which is infinite – millions and billions of years. And you know, we can’t even count, where we’re going to be in the presence of our heavenly Father, enjoying life in its fullness, where there’ll be no more tears, no more pain, no more suffering. Isn’t it worth giving up this life dying to self so that we can have rewards and eternity? Isn’t it worth stepping into the water where you can hold your Savior’s hand rather than sitting in the boat, or sitting on the show where we miss him completely? That’s why it’s worth taking an older child. And that’s why it’s worth for families in the church to step out and support those who’ve taken older children. You are doing. Gods. So do it.

You know, families who are in the trenches need your loving care, Church. Step out and give that love and care, give the support. Just send notes of encouragement, call them often and just pray with them. Commit to praying for these families and these children. It’s worth it. We’re all on mission together. Everybody can do something. Let’s link arms for the Kingdom of God. And let’s make sure in our cities, in our places, that there are no more orphans.

And lastly that’s my contact number. My husband has beautifully put together – his name is Peter and he along with our children Sandeep, Shirley, Rachna and Sneha – have put together this website. We have some of my Mom’s resources too in there. We have it in different languages. We have from prayer resources, to adoption resources, – all kinds of good things. So I encourage you to go there and see what you can, and be filled with hope, and peace and joy of the Lord as you go there. And I hope that you’ll also get some practical resources as you navigate through that website.

Thank you. God bless you.

The title of my talk is “Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing” with a sub-title of “Identifying Spiritual Abuse and Narcissism”.  Why Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing? This was a phrase used by Jesus regarding the kind of people we will be talking about today. The idea is that they appear to be “sheep” who come alongside us with gentleness, but in reality, they are “wolves” who can devour and destroy us.

Often when there is spiritual abuse or narcissism, the abusers are highly respected Christian leaders in public, yet those who know them well, see a different side to them.

Here is why Spiritual abuse and Narcissism is so deadly.

In normal cases of abuse, a Christian can go to God for refuge and comfort. In the case of spiritual abuse, the victim’s picture of God is so marred and distorted, it leaves them with a feeling of complete hopelessness, where they feel like spiritual worms, and are wracked with guilt and shame. This is why there are some who even walk away from the faith.

Why Talk about Spiritual Abuse and Narcissism?

Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I grew up in a strong Christian home with many Christian leaders. I gave my life to Jesus at a young age, went to a Christian School. I memorized Scripture, read a lot of books and gained a lot of knowledge. I was being groomed to become a Christian leader. So, I imbibed a lot of spiritual pride growing up. God in His grace used my marriage to expose this pride. It was a long time before I realized that I had been blinded to the fact that I was a spiritual abuser in my marriage. It took me an even longer time to realize that I had grown up in a spiritually abusive situation as well. I will explain this in more detail presently.

By the grace of God, He was faithful and helped open my eyes to the truth. I am still asking God to help me undo the years of damage I have caused and am working towards healing in my own heart as a victim, and also trying to heal the hurt I have caused as a perpetrator. We are still a work in progress because the wounds and scars have been extensive, and some are still raw. So, this subject is very close to home!

Since my eyes have been opened to these truths, I have also studied them extensively. I have observed that this is a widespread problem in Christian organizations, churches and in families, but it is not much talked about or dealt with.  That is why I am speaking about it. I know that I am probably going to shake up a lot of people, and I pray that God will use what I have learned to help others.

Here are four reasons that I am talking about this subject.

• I know that I would have benefitted if I had understood what spiritual abuse was early in my marriage. Possibly I can speak into the lives of younger versions of myself, and God-willing, help spare them and their families years of pain.
• Possibly what I share with you today can help some of you who are living in a fog of pain because of the spiritual abuse you have experienced. I pray that God will enable you to have hope and move towards healing by seeing Jesus more clearly.
• I also hope that those of you who have been so deeply hurt will be able to get some guidelines and next steps on dealing with your situations.
• Possibly onlookers will be better able to recognize spiritual abuse when it happens and be able to speak up and defend those that they see suffering.
• That we will stop being a part of the problem by praising and eulogizing spiritual leaders and putting them on pedestals.

Some Situations to Consider

The scope of my talk is specifically when spiritual abuse comes from a Christian source, not obvious cases of oppression or persecution from unbelievers.

There are some cases of spiritual abuse which are well known. For example, if a person enforces their authority and demands submission, that would count as spiritual abuse. Another obvious example is, everyone knows that church prayer meetings are great places to catch up with the latest neighborhood gossip. This can be slanderous and hurtful to those being victimized.

A less known case is when divorcees are shunned from places of Christian fellowship such as their church or their small groups. They are often told that God forbids them to remarry, without taking the time to understand their situations, such as the case of marital infidelity by the husband. This is spiritual oppression and abuse.

Another example is if a person goes to a “healer” asking for prayer when they are sick, and they are not healed. The healer then turns around and says it is their fault because they did not have enough faith. I have known people to lose their faith over such condemnation, and this is spiritual abuse.

However, the most devastating kinds of spiritual abuse are the last five points in the list. It comes from spiritual control, inducing guilt, emotional manipulation, bullying and shaming, and avoiding confrontation using various techniques. Let me give you some specific examples, so that you will begin to understand the kind of behavior I am talking about.

This is an example of having the “desire to control”. My marriage was an arranged marriage. My parents approved of my future wife before we even met. Eight months after we got engaged, my mama who was also my spiritual godfather and lived in a different country, wrote to me saying I must break off the engagement and start from scratch because I did not seek God’s will properly. He had started a theological college and was also my spiritual mentor. He prefaced what he wrote by saying he had spent many days and nights weeping in prayer and wrestling with God before he was convicted to write to me. He never gave me any specific reasons, so I wrote back that I clearly felt God’s leading through my parents who had approved the alliance, and it would be wrong to break our word to my future wife and her family for no good reason.  He wrote back that since my mind was closed to correction, he had nothing more to say. He said that he would continue interacting with me but not with my wife. After this he chose not to come to our wedding. Over the years he never explained the reasons for his opposition, despite my repeatedly asking. He refused to interact with my wife or our children until the end of his life. This was very harmful. Not a single person was willing to acknowledge the sinful abuse and mediate. They felt that since he was so spiritual, he must have had a good reason for his actions and could not have done anything wrong. Put yourself in my wife’s or her parents’ shoes and imagine the confusion and hurt this caused.

The next point on the slide is “inducing guilt”. Here is an example from an incident that happened just before my wedding. For some reason my mother felt that in order to have a truly God-glorifying wedding the bride should not wear a veil and there should be no wedding cake. So, I communicated this to my fiancé’s family who were planning the wedding. Understandably they pushed back, because this did not make any sense to them. So just a few days before the wedding, my parents visited my future in-law’s home, and my mother told my fiancé: “Do you have any idea how this will destroy the testimony that Peter has taken so much trouble to build up over the past few years?”. All of us were stunned to hear this – including me. I would do anything to be able to change what happened next – or rather, what did not happen next. I kept my mouth shut. This deafening silence on my part would mark the beginning of my marriage, where I continued to be blinded to the hurts my wife experienced from others and I failed to protect her and stand up in her defense, and also for the truth. My fiancé later shared with me that she had cried all night after that incident. She kept thinking that if she was having such a negative impact on my testimony, what would be the point of even going through with the wedding? Truth of the matter is, that God was being dishonored not by those things, but by the way His name was being used to control a situation for someone else’s agenda. Incidentally, just like many South Indian weddings, although my family did not ask for any dowry – which is a well-known evil practice, they expected the bride’s family to bear the weight of the entire wedding expenses and felt they had the right to control and to be demanding. If at all, this was the bigger sin in the whole situation. This is an excellent example how God’s name can be used to unnecessarily burden a person with feelings of guilt over things that are inconsequential. I have tried to make this right with my wife and my in-laws, but I wish it had never happened this way.

I will now give an example of “emotional manipulation”. My wife and I were going through a personal issue which we chose to share confidentially with both our parents, requesting them to pray for us. My mother immediately said she would share it with her siblings for them to pray as well. One of her siblings was my mama who had opposed our marriage. So, I told her that this was a confidential matter and that she should not share it with anyone – specially not my uncle who had cut himself off from my wife. This made my mother very upset. She said that she and her siblings were very close and always prayed for each other, and that maybe we did not know what that kind of deep Christian fellowship was like, and that I had no right to ask her to keep the matter confidential. However, I continued to insist that this issue was ours to share with the people we wanted to, and not hers. This made her so upset that she did not speak to me for a couple of months. This was the time I was leaving India to go for my post-doctoral fellowship. We left the country without her saying goodbye. This is using emotional control. When confronted the perpetrator gets hurt. So, they break communication to inflict punishment, until the victim feels guilty for what has happened, and apologizes for causing the hurt. That is exactly what happened in this case. I did apologize – and the issue never got resolved!

I am just skimming the surface of hurtful interactions we have had to face. I am not going to be giving any more details because my purpose is not to air out grievances, but to educate you on this extremely critical area of sinful spiritual abuse that is pervasive in the Christian community. Let me just say this. The manner in which I dealt with these hurtful interactions provides another example of how I myself acted as a spiritual abuser, although I was blinded to it. Whenever my wife tried to explain to me how much she had been hurt, I would tell her she was being unforgiving.  This accusation of unforgiveness caused her to think she was a sub-standard Christian. And she had nowhere to go except to suffer silently. She could not even take this to God, since it was spiritual guilt that she was experiencing. Her picture of God began to get distorted and her wounds began to fester without reprieve. Imagine what it would do to her when I told her that God says, “if you do not forgive others their trespasses, then neither will your heavenly Father forgive you”. This became a deadly weapon used by wielding Scripture. There were times when she was so devastated, I questioned whether she was even a believer! The problem was that I had a wrong view of what “forgiveness” really meant. You can forgive but still keep a distance when there is no repentance from the other party. So, the issue was not that she was unforgiving, but that she did not know how to deal with the repeated hurts that she kept experiencing, because I failed to protect her from them. And when even I was not listening, there was nobody she could share it with – not even God. Meanwhile, I genuinely felt I was doing the right thing by my reactions and was completely blind to the fact that in reality I was myself being a spiritual abuser. It grieves my heart to know how quick I was to give everyone else the “benefit of the doubt”, while I was not willing to do that with my own wife! Can you even imagine how hurtful my behavior was to her? If I had defended her, we could have together been able to deal with all the wolves that were attacking our marriage from the outside. But instead, I just piled it on even more! And after years and years of struggle in our marriage, after wrestling with God and shedding many tears on my part, God in His great mercy opened my eyes and showed me that I should have seen truth in the Word of God all along. She had been right. But by then, a lot of damage had already been done.

I now understand why at times my wife would tell me in sheer frustration: “I will really start knowing God only after you die” The point was, that the picture my side of the family and I were painting of God to her was so distorted, that it was destroying her spiritually, and also seriously damaging our children.

This is the horrible effect that spiritual abuse can have on a person, and why it is so important for us to be educated about it and stop It in our own lives and families. Jesus said that if we cause someone to stumble, it would be better for us to have a millstone tied around our necks and to be thrown into the deepest sea. That is how seriously God takes spiritual abuse.

I thank God for His mercy in opening my eyes before it was irrevocably too late, and my wife and I have been working towards healing. The wounds are deep, and the process is long. But I am so grateful to God for preserving our marriage, and that now we are on this journey together. I thank God for graciously working in my wife’s own heart by revealing Himself to her in fresh new ways that are drawing her so much closer to Him. This is how amazing our God is. He can take the worst of situations and the most brokenness and redeem it and transform those ashes into something really beautiful. I pray that if any of you are in similar situations, you would be able to learn from our experiences and be spared from similar pain. … or that you also would be able to find hope and healing at the cross.

False Shepherds

I am now going to talk about the root cause of spiritual abuse and Christian narcissism.

God speaks of false shepherds in the book of Ezekiel: “Ah, shepherds … who have been feeding yourselves! Should not shepherds feed the sheep? You eat the fat, you clothe yourselves with the wool, you slaughter the fat ones, but you do not feed the sheep. The weak you have not strengthened, the sick you have not healed, the injured you have not bound up, the strayed you have not brought back, the lost you have not sought, and with force and harshness you have ruled them … and they became food for all the wild beasts.” (Ezekiel 34:2-5)

 This passage provides a key to understanding the source of spiritual abuse and narcissism. The key characteristics are the following:

• Top priority is “Me”. I am the most important. I am Number One.
• I use others so that I can be exalted at their expense. I don’t care how I hurt them.
• I do not have any genuine care about the well-being of others, but I may show it superficially.
• Jesus calls Himself the “Good Shepherd” and contrasts with false shepherds. There he says: “The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy but I have come that you may have life and have it more abundantly” (John 10:10).

Here is the problem.

Our society often puts Christian leaders and teachers on a pedestal.  We constantly praise and flatter them. We constantly invite them to speak in our meetings, and we consider ourselves honored if they grace our get-togethers with their presence. We look up to them. We treat them as demi-gods.  It is possible in Christian ministry to become nationally or even internationally famous, or even become very wealthy.

All of this can get into any human being’s head. This kind of glory and adulation can become addicting.

Jesus says of the pharisees in Matt 23:5-7: “Everything is done for people to see. … They love the place of honor in banquets and the most important seat in the synagogues. They love to be greeted with respect and to be called “rabbi”.

We see this in our culture. For example, I have seen pastors expect the assistant pastor or others to put on their robe on them, and they expect to be given a cup of coffee just before the church service, while they treat everyone very rudely. When ministry leaders make house visits, they expect to be thanked profusely and given money. They often will not visit those who are poorer and cannot afford good monetary “gifts”. Here is a specific way they do not strengthen the weak, while they are “feeding themselves”.

But this can get worse. Constantly being praised by people and being put on a platform, causes severe damage to anyone’s soul over time, because only God has the capacity to accept this kind of worship. The person can actually start believing they are spiritually better than everyone else. This often leads to spiritual abuse. Taken to an extreme it changes the wiring of the brain, and becomes a mental disorder called NPD (narcissistic personality disorder).

There are many Christian leaders who lie somewhere within the narcissistic spectrum. This is spiritually damaging to them and can be destructive to those closest to them, even to the point of damning their souls. I would encourage you to look at the pastors and ministry leaders you encounter in the light of all that we have talked about.

Jesus told the pharisees in John 5:44: “How can you believe if you seek praise from one another, and do not seek the glory that comes from the only God?” This is straight from the mouth of Jesus. Seeking praise from people can actually be a hindrance to having saving faith. That is how serious this is.

I would like to give you the opposite biblical example of how Paul and Barnabas dealt with a similar situation. They were in the city of Lystra, and after Paul healed a crippled man, everyone wanted to worship them, saying “The gods have come down to us in the likeness of men”. You know Paul and Barnabas’ response? You can read about it in Acts 14:14-15. They tore their garments and rushed out to the crowds crying “Men, why are you doing these things? We also are men of like nature with you”. They did not consider themselves special and saw the tremendous danger of accepting that kind of adulation.

Every leader is a human being just like everyone else. James makes this point, even when talking about the prophet Elijah, in James 5:17. He says that Elijah was a man with similar human frailties that the rest of us have. Therefore, the bible speaks of “servant leadership”. We are to consider others to be more important than ourselves” in Philippians 2:3. Jesus Himself said: “The Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many” (Mark 10:45). Every person in spiritual authority including parents, teachers, ministry leaders, pastors, evangelists, etc., are likewise called to follow Jesus and take up their cross in service, rather than lording it over others.

 Signs to Identify a Spiritual Abuser

Having already given specific examples, let me just make a couple of additional points.

Spiritual abusers surround themselves with an inner circle who constantly affirm them. The popular inner circle feeds their desire for praise and adulation. Whenever a person goes against them, they shame that person and shut them down.

Thus, the abuse becomes a self-feeding cycle that gets worse. This causes an environment of fear and intimidation rather than openness and honesty. Spiritual abusers are often willing to lie without a conscience, because they genuinely believe that protecting their platform is worth it, for “the sake of the gospel”.

Signs to Identify a Christian Narcissist

The key distinguishing factor of Christian Narcissists is a grandiose sense of self-importance and entitlement. They genuinely believe they are more spiritual than everyone else, and they have a need for constant praise and admiration. They exploit others, and frequently demean, intimidate, bully or belittle those who do not toe the line. They control by praise or punishment. Those who go against them are demonized and become a scapegoat who takes the blame for anything that went wrong as a fallout of the narcissist’s behavior. This frees the narcissist to continue that destructive pattern of behavior.

Here is an example of emotional manipulation when a narcissist is being confronted with hurt that they have perpetrated against someone.

The narcissist responds: “You do not know how much you have hurt me. Only God knows”

This makes the victim feel guilty and to desire to appease the hurt they have caused (even if it is not their fault). So, they ask the narcissist: “What did I do to hurt you?” Notice that immediately the victim’s original concern has been deflected, and the conversation has already moved elsewhere.

The narcissist may respond like this: “I do not remember. I have forgiven you and committed it to God”

See the manipulation here.

• If the narcissist has really committed the matter to God, why was this even mentioned?
• The victim’s confrontation has been flipped
• The victim is made to feel like they are the unforgiving perpetrators because unlike the narcissist they were unable to forgive and commit the matter to God.

Thus, the effect is that it induces a sense of guilt in the victim, and in confusion and frustration with a conversation that went nowhere, the victim drops the subject. This experience also makes them think twice about bringing that issue or anything else up again with the narcissist. That is how an atmosphere of fear and intimidation builds up. Often people not closely interacting with the narcissist have no idea that this kind of manipulation is happening behind the scenes. Having effectively shut down the victim, the narcissist comes out on top and gets stronger in the cycle of spiritual abuse.

Here are some other kinds of responses a narcissist may make:

• “Don’t judge me”. The Bible warns us not to judge or we will be judged
• “I answer to God, not to you”
• “God knows my heart”
• “How dare you question me? Do you know who I am?”
• “God is blessing my ministry, so clearly you are the one in the wrong, not me”.
• “You are like the person trying remove a speck from my eye, when you have a log in your own eye”

In all these ways, confrontation is obstructed with spiritual sounding responses, and the victim is unable to have any of their concerns addressed.

To make matters worse, if the victim goes to someone else in the narcissist’s inner circle, even seeking Matthew 18:15-17 resolution, those people become what is technically termed “flying monkeys”. They have been groomed by the narcissist to support their point of view, and they tend to believe the narcissists version of the story – and the narcissist often has no qualms about lying – rather than objectively investigating the truth. This only causes more devastation to the victim. So, it is important for victims to choose people who have no vested interest in the relationship.

Christian Narcissists control the narrative of the spiritual health of the ministry they lead. 

Jesus is Different

“A bruised reed He will not break, and a smoldering wick He will not extinguish” (Matt 12:20). If you are wounded and broken, Jesus will not do anything to destroy you. He will come alongside you and help you to heal.

Jesus came to “heal the broken-hearted and to set the captives free” (Luke 4:18). This was the purpose for which Jesus came.

Jesus said that He is the “Good Shepherd”, and that He lays down His life for the sheep. He serves the sheep and does not expect the sheep to serve Him (John 10:11-16)

He says: “Come to Me” – in the context of spiritual oppression and abuse (Matt 11:28-30). “My yoke is easy, and my burden is light”. If you feel the burden of being a Christian is too heavy, it is possible you have not fully understood the freedom that is available in Jesus.

We need to study and meditate on the truths of the Word of God and the promises of God. This will help us understand our own worth in Christ and will also help us recognize those shepherds over us who do not behave like our Chief Shepherd.

He never accepts us based on our behavior. He died for us so that He could invite us as we are. The transformation happens after this as a result of His magnificent love.

“It is only those who are sick who need a physician” (Mark 2:17). This is why He came!

 Jesus can Heal You

We can be wounded in two ways: (a) By others (b) by our own sin. Usually we struggle from a combination of both.

Jeremiah poses a question to the struggling people of Judah: “Is there no balm in Gilead? Is there no physician there?” (Jer 8:22)

A well-known hymn applies the words of the text this way:

There is a balm in Gilead, to make the wounded whole;
There is a balm in Gilead to heal the sin sick soul.

Jesus is truly the “balm of Gilead” for all the hurting people of the world. God’s grace is always greater than all of our hurt (whatever it is) and all of our sin (however bad it is).

Philpot says: “There is more in the balm to heal than there is in guilt to wound; for there is more in grace to save than there is in sin to destroy.”

Our True Healing comes from the Cross

Jesus bore our sins on Himself so that we could be set free from all of our guilt and all of our shame.

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus” (Rom 8:1)

Why? Because Jesus bore it on our behalf. Every single wrong thing we ever did were borne by Him, if we have put our trust in Jesus. There is nothing left in us that God will condemn.

He looks at us and sees the perfection of Jesus Himself, because He looked at Jesus, and saw all the filth of our sin.

“God made Him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we may become the righteousness of God” (2 Cor 5:21).

A Note to the Victims

First of all, I want to say I am really sorry for what you have gone through. Please hear me clearly. If you have been mistreated spiritually or emotionally by a Christian leader (I repeat that it could be a spouse, a parent, a teacher, a pastor, a ministry leader), it was evil and sinful. Period. They have not treated you the way Jesus would have done. Let us call a spade a spade! God cannot be pleased with such behavior.

However, since we have seen that often personal confrontation of a narcissist does not work, how can a victim deal with it?

• Fix your eyes on Jesus. Comfort yourself with the Promises in His Word.
• Fight the urge to feel sorry for yourself and to stew in your own hurt
• Avoid fighting for your rights, unless the honor of God is at stake
• If you cannot find any way to stop the behavior (by trying to talk, to confront, Matthew 18:15-17, etc.), if possible, distance yourself from being in a position where you can be abused
• If for any reason distancing yourself is not possible, and you do not see any resolution in sight, then take the matter to God
• Ask God to give you the grace to release bitterness and unforgiveness from your heart. Only then true healing can begin

But on the other side of the coin we need to be honest. Even victims in their pain and confusion often respond sinfully to the abuse they face. Unfortunately, a narcissist will even use those sinful responses to further tear down the victim and make a more solid case for themselves. This can cause a downward spiral for the victim. Satan “the accuser of the brethren” also uses this as a weapon to make the victim feel even more miserable, guilty and hopeless. So be aware of this.

Have You Been Victimized? Seek Help

Each situation is different. As we have seen situations can become very complex. Victims should seek help using God-given means. Spiritual abuse wounds the heart at the deepest level, and you may need others to walk alongside you, and help bind up your wounds and point you towards the Great Physician Jesus.

Pray for wisdom regarding how to deal with your situation. God promises: “If anyone lacks wisdom, let him ask of Him who gives freely without reproach” (James 1:5)

Actively seek help. You may not be able to deal with this alone.

• Your church
• A Biblical Counsellor/Psychologist
• Support Ministries such as The Deborah Rise Movement
• Christians whom you trust for support

Feed yourself on the truths and promises of Jesus. He is the One who created you, and who fully knows every detail of what you are going through, and who fully understands your situation

Safeguards Against Becoming a Spiritual Abuser or Christian Narcissist

I want to now address anyone having any form of God-given leadership or authority. As you can see, the pathway to Spiritual Abuse and Christian Narcissism is very wide and slippery, and it is extremely easy to develop these patterns of behavior. So how do you guard against them?

• Submit yourself under the authority of God in everything you do (family, work, ministry, etc.)
• Recognize that you are a sinner who frequently sins, even if you are a leader
• Think higher of others than yourself.
• Treat others with respect, and work towards really empathizing with their feelings when they share
• Do not make excuses for sinful behaviors such as pride, self-righteousness, lying, selfishness, lack of compassion, anger, lust or adultery, etc. Repent quickly and wage war against your flesh.
• Seek only to please Jesus and do not get your worth from your public reputation
• When you wrong someone in public, apologize in public. When you wrong someone in private, apologize in private. Always seek to make things right
• Accept correction from anyone (even your children or subordinates). Wage war against thoughts such as “Who are you to tell me this”. “Healthy correction is good, and if you accept it you will be wise” (Prov 15:31)
• Be vulnerable and encourage honesty and show yourself open to correction
• Hold yourself truly accountable to one or more people in your life
• Integrity means being the same in public as you are in private. Battle against any behavioral pattern in yourself that is different in private

A Note to the Onlookers

Micah 6:8 “Seek justice, love mercy, walk humbly with your God”

“Is this not the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and to untie the cords of the yoke” (Isa 58:6)

God takes justice seriously

• To see someone being victimized and not doing anything about it is tantamount to agreeing with the oppressor. In God’s eyes you are also culpable of the evil because you did not choose to intervene.
• To keep quiet only enables the abuser.
• We should be more willing to “err” on the side of the vulnerable rather than on the side of the powerful
• Do not flatter or worship Christian leaders. It can be dangerous or even damning to them.

Conclusion

I think this wraps up what I wanted to share with you today. Take this message to your homes, your ministries, your churches and your workplaces. Talk about it and make changes. We need to educate, and we need to fight for God’s honor.

Let us pray.

Lord Jesus, I want to pray for all those who are listening to me right now. Some of them have been hurt by Christian leaders and I want to just commit them into your hands at this time. I pray that they will be able to find healing in you. I also pray for those here who may be spiritual abusers and narcissists, that the Holy Spirit will convict them about the dangerous path they are on and draw them back to you. Finally, Lord I pray for each one of us. Please give us wisdom to guard against the pitfalls, and courage to speak up on behalf of the vulnerable when we encounter spiritual abuse. In all of this, may Jesus be glorified, and I pray this in His name, Amen.